


Corpse and Collapse Some

by IcarusTwin



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8231867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcarusTwin/pseuds/IcarusTwin
Summary: Completely inspired by Ultragirlvfr750's 'Berena Behind The scenes' Crack A/U where characters play themselves and the actors don't actually exist.Just imagine how they might have prepared for The Kiss. v2. And did Serena corpse just a little bit...  Think French and Saunders channelling Joan Crawford and Bette Davies and let your imagination wander for a bit. Angstfree Smutfree Flufflite because we all need a bit of light, um, relief, during the Sapphica Angstfesta Interruptus





	

Bernie ‘Grizz’ Wolfe and Serena ‘Reeni’ Campbell were waiting in the call room for the next shots.

‘’Bloody hell Reeni I’m stiff, slept like shit last night.”

“ Sorry Grizz what was that ?” 

“I’m stiff! Achey “ 

“Oh and what do you want me to do about it? Neck rubs are not in this script, that was weeks ago. Get one of the boys to do it and bring you some panadin “ 

“Bloody great pretend lesbian girlfriend you are! ” Reeni looked at her and stuck her tongue out.

“Ew, you been at the liquorice Imps again, you are not putting that anywhere near me!”

“Well Princess Grizzly I hate to tell you this but I will, we are filming Ep 51 , you know the one where you snog me senseless and then bugger off to Kuwait again “

“Ukraine. It’s Ukraine, how many times “

“Kuwait. Ukraine same difference”

“No it’s bloody not, one’s cold the other’s hot.”

“Just like you and me”, Reeni shrugged, geography wasn’t her strong point, “I’m a Surgeon, daahling not a bloody mapreader.” “Anyway you have read the script, you are prepped? Not like last time?”

“What was wrong with last time? Well apart from that day obviously.”

“Oh God do not remind me, every time I closed my eyes I saw that Nigel Fartrage’s face. Smug slimy toad. I couldn’t concentrate on the job in hand” 

“Gee thanks. Love you too Reeni, I was the job in hand and I do not resemble Toady Fartrage in any way shape or form. I thought you said snogging me was a good gig?”

“Only if I’m being paid for it!” 

“Charming!” 

“Oh c’mon Grizz, you know we only do it to keep the fangirls interested. If they lose interest the storyline gets dropped and then I get less screen time and you’ll be out of a job”

“Won’t! “

“Will!” 

WON’T! Anyway if I am, I’ve got lots of other offers, I’m only to here make you look Chemically Sexy!”

“Bitch! And it’s to showcase my Sexual Chemistry. My UNDENIABLE Sexual Chemistry” 

“Ooh what’s that I can smell, is it burning? Oh, no its Sulphur! “

Reeni shot Grizz one of her glares and Grizz shot one back.

“Anyway stop avoiding the question. Have you read the script?” 

“Yes, stand around, look moody, be angsty, walk up to you, snog, then run out to gargle?”

“And your lines?” 

“Um, God Serena, ooh ooh mmmm aaah aaah, . I’m Sorry. I have wanted to do that since that last episode.” Beleeeughh! and she pulled a face “ Sickening ick ick ick” before laughing hysterically at Reeni’s look of mock outrage.

“They think it’s sickening, they don’t have to taste your hummus-y breath!” 

“I didn’t have hooomus last night. See I do care about your feelings “

“Grizz I think we need to rehearse it, we got some stick last time. Wasn’t AUTHENTIC enough apparently.”

Grizz rolled her eyes “Whatevs. What do they bloody expect? We’re pretending. It’s not going to look real. And if it was real I wouldn’t be snogging you, I’d be snogging that SexyLexy Peas. She’s a proper pretend lesbian girlfriend. She’s kissed a girl or two before, and not just in the Stretford End.”

“STEPNEY!! For Fuck’s Sake ! How many bloody times Grizz it was in Stepney! Like the nursery rhyme Oranges and Lemons” 

“I thought it was Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit? And I didn’t know you were in that too? Were you that little ginger kid then? Justine Winterburn? Was that set in Stepney“

“What! WHAT?” “No I wasn’t and I’m not that bloody old you cheeky bitch!”

“But you‘re old enough to know better blah, blah, blah.“ Grizz mimicked her in mockery.

Reeni pulled a face and Grizz pulled one back at her. 

“Anyways I’m younger than you.” 

“Yeah but you obviously had a harder paper round “ 

“Miaaaoooow!”

“You’ve not got the bloody hat again have you? I refuse to snog you with Raisa on your head. I draw the line at that.”

Reeni hissed at her,” I love that hat, it belonged to Mrs. Slocombe “

“Well I’m definitely not snogging THAT! That was not in the contract.” 

“Oh get you Tittianna; Dawn French’s Bottom was good enough but not Mrs. Slocombe’s… “

“Reeni! How dare you, that was my finest hour, well 2hrs and 40 minutes, in Stratford “ she effused. 

“You snogged Dawn French’s Bottom in Stratford for nearly 3 hours? And you can’t even get a 30 second snog with me right?” 

“No Stoopid, that was the whole play, it was just a very quick peck on Bottom’s cheek. You know MND?” 

“Motor Neurone Disease Doctor Wolfe ?”

“Look Reeni dearest. I know I’m the more classical bird of the two of us but surely even you have heard of Midsummer Night’s Dream? “ 

“Midsomer Nightmares more like.”

“Oh and Chekov “

“You can Chek Off! I’m not doing a threesome ! “ 

Runner Boy put his head round the door. Ms Campbell, Ms Wolfe 30 minutes to studio.

“Bloody hell Grizz, we still haven’t rehearsed this scene, are you trying to avoid it?”

“Um no. I just feel a bit awkward “ 

“Why , I’m not that repulsive am I” Reeni glared at Grizz , “I mean it’s not like we’re the Ugli Fruit Sistaz !” 

“Reeni, Daaahling, you know I don’t think that. You are the most fantastic and fearless pretend lesbian Surgeon girlfriend I have ever pretended to snog.”

“Ooh Grizz, I thought you didn’t care, I thought you preferred that Sexy Lexy, it’s always worried me that you would end up running off with her to Uzbekistan “

“Ukraine” 

“Uzbekistan sounds more exotic, more of a pretend lesbian Surgeon destination”

“Ooh you soppy old Tartar! Come ‘ere then let’s practice this scene”

“Okay, I thought you’d never ask”

“Right you go left and I’ll go for the right”

Both “mmmm oooh oooh mmm” “ Ouch , No that’s my left , I meant your left.”

“Okay, you go to your left, no not that left!”

“This is harder than looks Grizz “

“C’mon Reeni it can’t be that difficult”

“Well it shouldn’t be at our age, I mean we are both over 40, if we don’t know how to pretend snog then there’s no hope for us”

“40? Who are you kidding, I’m not a day over 39” 

“What’s that in Wolfe years?” 

“Biatch!” 

“Ok let’s concentrate; I need to make sure I get away before the last train so we need to nail this scene” 

“You are rushing me again, Reeni, you know I get edgy if you move too fast.”

“Oh you’re such an angstfest Queen! “

“Right, stop messing about, we are going to do this 3, 2, 1“

“Se..re..na… mmmm”

“Oooh …mmmm….mmm…ohhh … hic …aa …hicc”

“REENI !!!”

“I’m Sorry …Hicc…Hicc…”

“Oh for fucks sake !” 

“Sorry, ha..hicc…hicc…hahahahah “ and Reeni corpsed into a fit of hysterical giggles .

“What the fuck…ha..ha..Ha …HA …HA ..HA..” and Grizz corpsed too, falling on top of Reeni and laughing uncontrollably until both of them ended up sitting side by side on the floor and trying to control the laughter . Reeni wiped her eyes, tears of laughter were rolling down her cheeks and Grizz was barking like an asthmatic Wolfhound. 

“At least your hiccups have stopped Reen” 

“Yes, but can you lend me a Tena, Lady Grizz?” 

“Oh eww.. hee… hee… hee …ha…Ha..Ha..HA…HAA ..!”

“Ohh don’t you’ll start me off again ..he..hee..hee”

“ Right, Deep Breaths. Get A Grip.”

“I’ve been trying for weeks, but you keep avoiding me Grizz” 

“Ha!” 

Runner boy popped his head around the door again, “10 minutes Ms Campbell, Ms Wolfe”

“Get up” “Give me a hand” “C’mon old bird “as Grizz pulled Reeni up.

“We are never going to get this right, it’s going to take all night”

“Oooh , I wish “

“Behave Reeni!” 

“Oh Major Grizzl you are such a spoilsport!”

“Ok I’ve got an idea, why don’t we pretend it’s for real.”

“What? I thought that’s we were doing “

“Well, no I mean let’s pretend we really do fancy each other and do it for real” 

“Well, you’ve lost me Grizz, anyway what do you mean pretend we fancy each other, we do don’t we?” 

“Umm, stop trying to tie me up, or I’ll get all angsty again” 

“Ok , Ive got a better idea , let’s do it for the fangirls , let’s see if we can break the twattersphere,  
make it as realistic as possible , they will go into a complete meltdown”

“Ah good thinking Fraulein.” 

“You’re not the only one, Osram, with your fancy razor, I’m not just the pretty face “

“No Comment”

“Do… Re… Mi… Fa… So… La… Ti…Do Reeni garbled and started stretching her mouth into obscene contortions” 

“What ARE you doing?”

“Warming up. Giving my Uvula a waggle “

“What. I’m not doing that, anyway we’d never get it past the censors.”

“U-V-U-L-A . Oh c’mon Doctor, I know you specialise in trauma drama but surely you did anatomy at Medical Drama School?”

“Yes of course but I’m not going anyway near your Ulva Vulua whatever it is. And I doubt you need anything warming up you brazen hussy.”

“It’s there – Reeni pointed down the back of her throat – the soft dangly bit that hangs down, say Aaaaah” 

Reeni gave her best smouldering look with the big puppy dog eyes .

Grizz started a warm up of her own “ oh the Ukraine girls really knock me out , they leave the West behind …” 

“Don’t you dare!”

“and when they get their Balalaikas out …”

“You utter, utter, cow! You know I don’t want you to go! ” Reeni pouted, “at least not before dinner”

Grizz looked at her seductively from under that messy just rumpled fringe.

“Dinner? At mine? Tonight?” 

“Yes, if that’s what it takes to get a decent snog out of you”

“I’ll give you decent snog Lady, you won’t know what’s hit you “

“Well the fangirls and the self-appointed arbiters of proper kissing won’t either“

“And them. I’ll not be judged by one momentary hiccup, so to speak”

“Ooh that sounds like fighting talk Major, bring it on. I’ll hold your coat “

“I’ll take one for all the haters and the ‘phobics too.”

“Well I’d be more than happy to give you one, for the cause obviously, and that horrible scared little man “

“You’re on!” 

Reeni raised her eyebrow provocatively, “C’mon then big macho army medic, bring it on, if you’re woman enough…”

Grizz looked at her with a wolfish grin “never one to back down from a challenge Ms C“ 

And with that Grizz lunged at Reeni, grabbed her face and planted the most passionate, long lingering, erotic, pretend lesbian kiss ever seen on TV before or after, the watershed .

Reeni gasped, “Blimey Major, steady on we’re not on Channel 4 yet “ 

Grizz grinned even more wolfishly, as she took out her pretend fag and pretended to smoke it “Well do you think that will do them?”

“Never mind them, I think you’ve just ruined me, give us a drag of that ...”

“You know there’s only one problem…”

“What?”  
“ Well, nobody filmed it, that was still just a rehearsal”

“Oh dear. And then there’s all the camera angles.”

“Could be a long day?”

“Could be, at least 3 hours “

“As long as I’m paid I don’t care”

“Me, neither, it’s not a bad job really”

“No and well somebody’s got to do it, might as well be me “

“You still owe me dinner, you’re not getting out of it that easily”

“ A promise is a promise Reeni”

“ Better had be, you know what I’m like with a grudge. Anyway where is your Stetford End ?”

 

“I’m not sure, somewhere North of your Stepney?”

**Author's Note:**

> No actresses or characters were intended to be harmed during the writing of this fic; rather its an affectionate tribute to the wonderful actresses who fantastically portray them and fearlessly support the storyline; a nod to their comedic timing and undeniable chemistry along with their undoubtable talents. 
> 
> Less Patsy and Edina more Dawn and Jen , thanks for the gift that is Berena !


End file.
